I NEVER write twice in one day. NEVER. But because Elisa said she was feeling sad and needed to a happy entry, I will make an exception today. Although I'm a busy man (I just watched 2 hours of Star Trek TNG on tv), I will attempt to cheer her up. She said my last entry wasn't funny enough. Elisa, being a funny man is a tough job, I just make it look easy. So considering Elisa is feeling down, what better way to lift her spirits than to do what I do when I feel down, make fun of others. So here again is this weeks Dear Allan (where I take real Dear Abby letters, summarize Abby's response, and give my own answer).

1. "DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, I met the man of my dreams and was lucky enough to marry him. "Mike" is intelligent, caring, loving, witty, romantic and a great father. Every day he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful...So what's the problem? Mike weighs 80 pounds more than he did when we met. I thank God for him every single day, but the "zing" is gone...We're still intimate, but I miss the "butterflies" I used to feel just looking at him. I am also worried about his health and the effect his eating habits have on our children. This has seriously damaged his self-esteem, too, and that is the hardest thing for me to deal with...Am I being petty when I tell you I'd give anything to have my slimmer, sexier, healthier husband back? I miss his energy and confidence and the respect I had for him. Abby, are my feelings valid? Or should I just get over it and be happy with all of his good qualities? -- FEELING WEIGHTED DOWN"

Abby's Response: You are just acting human. Call a doc, and make the doc tell your husband about dieting and health. Exercise with him and reward him for his efforts.

My Response: I hate to break it to you, but your husband is fat. There's just no way around it. Apparently, looks are everything to you. How shallow can you be? Accept the man for who he is, not who he eats. Some of us aren't pretty on the outside okay? (I'm not talking about myself of course, because I'm one sexy bastard).

2. "DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Sheila," was recently married, and I was a bridesmaid. About two months before the wedding, Sheila called to say that the junior bridesmaid dress she had selected for one of her attendants was too small -- size 8 for a girl who was size 12. Sheila asked if there was anything I could do to make the dress fit because it was too late to order another one. After a lot of work and many long hours over a four-week period, I finished the alterations. Neither Sheila nor the junior bridesmaid paid me for the work, and I thought that was because I said I'd do it as a favor to Sheila. A few days before the wedding, I was still deciding what to give her as a wedding gift, but everyone I asked said that altering the dress should be enough. Well, Sheila didn't see it that way. On her wedding night, she called me several times demanding a gift of money! She said I had been disrespectful by not giving her a gift. Even after her honeymoon, she called again to talk about the money. Was I wrong not to give her a separate wedding gift? FRIEND OF THE BRIDE ON LONG ISLAND"

Abby's Response: Sheila is no friend. Demanding for a gift is rude.

My Response: I think it's pretty clear, you're a cheapskate. It was the biggest night of Sheila's life, and you can't even lay out a few bucks to help her. Weddings are expensive. Trust me, I know, I've been to quite a few. Steaks and red wine don't grow on trees lady. A true friend would do more than just altering a dress. If you really want to be her friend, go write her a check. Or Paypal her the money (Paypal shows class and dignity, although you probably don't have much dignity left). You should be ashamed of yourself.

Good night everybody!