I've decided to start a new segment here. I'm tired of all the "advice" Abby gives to her Dear Abby readers. So every so often, I will take the actual questions they mail her from the SF Chronicle, give you a brief summary of her response, and then give you my response (aka the Right Answer):

1. " Dear Abby, I am a normal 13 year old kid. Lately, I'm noticing my mom's drinking. We've been getting into fights because she forgets things and says things she doesn't mean. The other night, she grabbed and pushed me. When I told her to stop, she said she has nothing to lose, but i do. Plus my dad is kind of timid, so he goes along with whatever she says. Help! - Crazy In Colorado"

Abby's response - You mom needs help, your dad hopes ignoring the problem will make it go away, so call these numbers and use this website to talk to others who have the same problem.

My Response - Uh, nice job Abby. You really solved that problem. Ok, here's really what you need to do Crazy In Colorado. I'm going to assume you're a girl. First things first, beef up, put on some L B's, and take control of the situation. If your mom pushes you, you push her back even further. If your mom drinks, you drink even more to take her out. It sounds like your dad is a sissy, so while you're busy taking out your mom, throw some punches at your dad too. You don't need any lousy phone numbers or websites kid. The internet is for useful things, like eBay.

2. "Dear Abby, last summer, my high school sweetheart and I linked up again at our class reunion. We talk constantly and are in love with each other all over again. Neither of us has children or other obligations. She has agreed to move here. Her friends think she might be acting too hastily. Do you think we need more time? - Confused In Kentucky"

Abby's Response - She has nothing to lose by relocating. Her friends shouldn't decide your future.

My Response - Hey Confused In Kentucky, I'm going to assume you're a dude. Because if you're a girl, don't be coming to SF City hall ok? Anyway, if you met her at a reunion, that just means you guys are kinda old. You're too old to be falling in love with her again. Sounds like you're just lonely. As for her friends, I'm assuming they are fat and ugly, and are just jealous. So with that in mind, make her move in with you and get married just to spite her friends.

3. "Dear Abby, I have been dating "Andre" since I was 12 and he was 13. We are now 26 and 27. Like any couple, we've had arguments. He's also cheated on me. We have three children. He also has four children with other women. I want to get married, but I can't help thinking he's going to cheat again. How can I learn to trust him totally? - C.D. In Chicago"

Abby's Response - 13 years of torture, let him go now.

My Response - Who dates when they are 12 years old? The last couple who hooked up in the sixth grade were Hilary Duff and Frankie Muniz. If the guy you want to marry has more children with other women than with you, you have some serious issues girlfriend. And I can really sympathize with your "arguments" that you've had. I'm sure that "argument" at age 14 over him stealing your graham crackers still burns inside.


That's all for today. I think I handled those questions quite well.