I originally created this blog almost a year and a half ago to keep a journal of my events and thoughts as I lived through them. As I continued to write, I'd sometimes talk about stupid things, things that nobody cares about. Other times I'd write about things that hit home real hard, but I felt I still ought to write about even though it was a difficult topic because I noticed I learned things about myself I didn't know at first. That's why English teachers always like free writing lessons where you have to write nonstop for a certain period of time regardless of how stupid the topics are, because your mind will guide you to say what you really want to say. This will be one of those entries today, where there is no humor or punchline at the end, but will be sort of like a free write where I'll let my mind take me to the finish line.

As some of you have already heard, on Tuesday my friend Alex got hurt. Alex wanted me to dramatize the story of how he got hurt and at first I was going to, but I think I owe it to him to tell the truth. On Tuesday we went to go play volleyball at the SOTA gym. After all the games were done and the place was closing up, we were fooling around trying to jump and touch the rims of the basketball courts to see how high our vertical leap was. I saw a chair nearby and thought it would be a great idea if I put the chair under the basket as a launching pad. For once, I actually acted on my stupid idea, and Alex ended up slipping on the chair because I wasn't holding it and broke his forearm. Jenica said it best when she told me, "Don't you hate it when you see things in slow motion and can't do anything to stop it?" Alex was actually parallel to the ground when he was in mid-air, and by the way he landed I at first thought it was his neck or back.

We sat in the UCSF hopsital waiting rooms for about 4 hours. You know 4 hours is a lot of time for a guy to sit around and think. And it's not the waiting that's hard because I sat around for 4 hours literally doing nothing at work this summer, but it's the thinking part that can drive a man crazy. You replay the events in your mind and second-guess your actions. What was really difficult was when his parents came. I tell you it was hard for me to look them in the eyes knowing I caused their son's injury, yet they didn't know I was the cause and maybe even thought I was some nice kid who was looking out for their child. But in fact I was anything but that. I hear all the time that your best friends should be Christian friends because they'd look out for you and keep you out of trouble, but for that night that wasn't the case. I let my friend down. I was the one who made the mistake and I wasn't even the one who paid for it.

As of right now, Alex doesn't know whether or not he needs surgery because they're going to give it a few weeks to see if it heals properly or not. The expected recovery time is six weeks, but that really doesn't include the training and conditioning afterwards to build up the strength in his lower left arm. Plus he won't be able to go camping or drive like he planned to. Today a few of us went to go visit him and I could tell he was a little down. When it was just me and him alone in the room it was hard for me to say what I really wanted to say. All I could say was "sorry", but that really wasn't the only thing on my mind, so I thought I'd be better off with this entry because words express more than anything you really want to say. I didn't want you to think all I had on my mind was "sorry" because I was so quiet.

I'm sure Alex is starting to get tired of explaining how his injury happened, because it didn't happen while saving a baby from a house on fire or wrestling a pack of wolves to defend himself. It happened on a freak accident that could (should) have been prevented. While we were at his house, Jenny said she always looks at the events in her life and tries to make sense of them because all events lead to a bigger picture. I'm sure for Alex this event leads to no big picture because I'm not really sure it makes a whole lot of sense. All I can say is that I myself have learned from this event. You know sometimes I don't realize for just a second that my actions have far reaching consequences, and this time my error hurt somebody. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to impress somebody, or making somebody laugh, or make myself seem bigger than the world, and occasionally I end up hurting a friend in the process.

I think the hardest part of this for me is what I learned from Peony's accident. If you don't know the story, Peony was playing volleyball at church and ended up dislocating her ankle after she landed on a player from the other team. Recently that same girl who Peony landed on has shown up to the same volleyball league we play in, and all of us made it a mission to spike it on this girl as revenge for Peony. Now I can understand the anger Peony has because I have kept grudges in the past and that seems to be my nature. But I just hope that the anger Alex has towards me can be patched up, because I don't want that one error I made ruin the friendship we've made over the past few years. Alex tells me it's not my fault and not to worry about it, but that's what he has to say and I know human nature always causes us to look for someone or something to blame for the bad things in life.

I didn't write this entry so you can feel sorry for Alex, because I know Alex isn't the type of guy who wants sympathy. And I didn't write this entry to make myself seem like some smart guy who's figured out the world. I wrote it as an apology, and that maybe somebody who's reading this can prevent doing something they will regret doing in the future. I just hope you continue to see me as the same friend you've always seen and not the guy who caused you the pain you're going through right now. I will continue to pray for you and hope it's in God's plan that you will be able to forgive me for my mistake.

That's all I really have to say.