I'm about to hit an all time low: I'm going to diss little kids. I guess that's nothing new considering I've dissed just about everyone on this website. See, I play no favorites.

Today's issue deals with those kids who act as crossguards. I'm not sure what their official title is, but you know who I'm talking about, those 5th graders who wear the orange helmet and orange lacy strap across their shirts who "help" people cross the streets as school gets out.

My problem with these kids is this: they don't do their job. All they do is talk to their friends or check out their crush who is talking about them in the other corner. I live near Holy Name and drive home the same time they get out, and these kids piss me off. They think they own the crosswalk. They don't even know who has the right of way! When I was in the 5th grade, I never was one of these crossguards because I didn't know about the rules of right-of-way. Plus I too was a 5th grader once, and the last thing on my mind was safety.

The one thing that these crossguards always do is wait for the parent and kid to walk in the middle of the street, and then run all the way to catch up with them and tell the cars to stop. Why don't you walk out with the parent and kid to begin with?!! And to top it off, they give you the Heisman stiffarm aka the Talk To The Hand move to signal to the car to stop. Geez buddy, I don't need the Heisman; the huge giant red Stop sign in front me is usually enough.

I hope I've persuaded you to hate the elementary school crossguard association as I do. Honestly, the only thing they do is get in the way and add to the fatality rate in this country. If I'm drunk and about to run over people while they're crossing, a kid in a bright orange strap giving me the stiffarm isn't going to stop me from running him over too.

So how can we fix this "problem"? I'm glad you asked. Here's a step by step recommendation by yours truly:

1. Educate the crossguards on how to property help the parent/kid cross. Accompany them while crossing.
2. Instead of giving the stiffarm, provide them with a giant red Stop sign to grab the notice of the driver.
3. If none of these work, create cyborgs to do the job.

By now, you should be persuaded to hate the kids and love the cyborgs.