(edit) This is a long post. I didn't intend it to be. I just started writing and didn't stop. If you read most of it, I give you kudos. If you skim it and got bored, I'll start posting more simple posts later for you.

I've been trying to live up to my 2005 resolutions. The crappy thing about resolutions is that they tend to fade as early as February. So far, I've tried to be a better Christian, and I've tried to be a better son. I don't know if I've been significantly improving on both of those, but I feel like I have been slightly improving and there's room for so much more. I suppose that's a good thing, I mean recognizing that I have potential for more growth. But that also shows me how poor I am at those areas, which is scary in a way.

I'm scared because no matter how much I try to improve, I will always fail at some point because I'm human. And I think it's human nature to dwell on the bad rather than the good. Maybe this illustration will make things a little more clear. I want to be a better son, but one day, my parents will pass away most likely before I will. I've been thinking about that the past few days, and trying to think how I will react or feel, but I don't think that's possible because those emotions cannot be replicated. But when this does happens, I'm going to remember all the times I acted like an asshole and regret those situations. I'm going to wish I told them things I didn't say, and wish I could've done things differently. And it's easy for me to say this very moment that I will vow to never act like an asshole to them ever again, but in the end, it will never be enough. I mean, I guess I could tell my parents things and say sorry for the past this very moment, but there's always going to be an argument down the line.

This is why I sometimes think that maybe parenthood isn't for me. It's right for some people: those who can have the patience and head to deal with issues on respect and obedience. I don't know what kind of parent I'd make, but when I think about some of the things I put my parents through, I sometimes question whether or not I would be able to handle it. But then I think that if everyone felt that way, or if enough people felt that way, then the world wouldn't have 7 billion people (with billions of people before us). There must be something to this parenting thing that is rewarding enough for people to continue to reproduce (not including the sex part). So this is my mathematical conclusion to this whole mess: rewards of parenting > crap the child does. It's a very simple equation. This is my theory behind it. Parenting gives the parents a reason to get up every morning. This gives more meaning to things like your job, because you need to feed the child. The way I see it is being a parent adds another layer of meaning to your life. Just think of your life as an onion, only you want the layers rather than wanting to peel them off. The core is so plain and empty. This isn't to say that nonparents have no meaning because they do: they have responsibilies to their friends, family, etc. But being a parent just adds another layer to the onion.

The reason I love About A Boy (stop reading if you don't want to know about the movie or plan to watch it someday) is that Hugh Grant (a single man) has more influence on a child than his own mother. It's true that "no man is an island" but that doesn't mean that you need a boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife. It just means you need meaningful relationships in your life. It's true when the characters realize that happiness only comes when you make other people happy, and not when you try to create happiness for only yourself.

I don't feel like I've experienced what 19 years of life should feel like. I think it's hard for me to appreciate what I currently have because I'm always looking forward to that next thing, which is human nature to do. For instance, I haven't been able to enjoy CCSF much because I'm so driven to get out and transfer. I don't hate CCSF at all, in fact, it's been the best educational experience I've ever had. But I worry so much about my grades and transferring that I end up feeling like I missed out on something. I guess I have the opportunity to relax a bit more since this should be my last semester at CCSF and Berkeley probably won't offer me much time to relax.

I turn 20 in March. And Johnson pointed out that during my brother's wedding, everyone is going to be giving me the "You're next" speech. And when I tell them the "Trust me, I'm not next" speech, they'll respond with the "You'll find someone" speech. But as I get older, people expect more from me. I'm not sure if my parents "worry" that I'm not seeing anyone, but they have dropped hints that so-and-so would be a good girl to get to know better. I remember Garson telling me that the best to way find someone is simply by not looking; that you'll find her when you least expect it. And I do believe him too, but it's just so hard when you see all your friends finding a girlfriend or boyfriend. But I know Garson is right because in the long run, you can't force that connection; it's either there or it's not there. And if it is there, you better make sure you're not just forcing yourself to believe it's there. I'm not saying that anything is wrong with looking, because I guess I have done that too (Yahoo Personals). In fact, looking just increases your odds of finding someone, but it doesn't increase your odds of connecting with the One (this is sounding like some kind of Matrix theme).

This paragraph is inspired by Elisa. By the way, sorry for waking you up on Friday while we played video games. Anyway, I remember a few years ago when she started Davis and I was a lowly high schooler that she felt bad about her tuition and housing costs because her parents had to pay for most of it. And I told her what I thought was correct at the time: that she shouldn't feel bad, because her parents would want for her to have this experience and education, and that's what parents are for. Well a few years later and I'm exactly in the same situation she's in, only now I know exactly how she feels. I just got some UCB stuff and it's probably going to cost about $21,000 a year for tuition and board. And to be honest, I felt really bad last night because my parents are going to have to pay for most of that $42,000. My brother is basically telling me the same thing I told Elisa a few years ago: that our parents worked and saved up so that I could go to college, and as soon as I get out in the work force, I can repay the $42,000 and earn even more money with my education. By the way, $42,000 is nothing compared to the amount my brother owes for 4 years at USC. So I guess what I'm trying to say is I know how you feel now Elisa.

I've been pretty fortunate that my parents have the money saved up to pay for my college. I don't think I'd call myself spoiled, but fortunate. Most people don't know this, but my parents pay for most of my stuff: CCSF tuition, books, clothes, car/gas, insurance. The list could go on. And of course, they provide me with housing and food that I don't really pay for (and of course all the expenses like electricity, water, tv, etc). The only things I pay for are my hobby related things like Internet, guitars, cds, baseball cards, video games. It's only recently that I've started paying for my own food and clothes since I got the tutoring gig, although they still give me my lunch money, haha. I'm not sure how everyone else pays for their things, but when I look at that list, it does seem pretty selfish of me. But at the same time, it's hard for kids to pay for any of these things. I'm sure we've all seen the after school specials where little Timmy asks dad for a new bike, and dad tells little Timmy to go get a job and earn his money. So little Timmy starts a lemonade stand and by the time he makes enough for the bike, he decides not to buy it because he wouldn't want to waste it on a bike. Instead, he uses his lemonade money to buy Google stock, and becomes a millionaire at age 8. I guess I'm bringing this up because during the Norman Wild Wild Party, I talked to Winston (i think that's his name, he's a high school senior). But he told me that recently, he dropped his cell phone and a bus ran over it (don't ask me how that happened, it just did). But now his parents are making him pay $200 for a new one, and he doesn't even have a job. I thought that was a little harsh, because my parents pay for my cell phone expenses (not that anyone really calls me, except some hot girls on occasion). But I wasn't sure if I was right or were his parents right. Maybe it all depends on every family's unique financial situation, but to make your jobless son pay $200 for an accident...I guess we might all have different opinions about it. Just recently, our house has been falling apart from this storm. Let's just say it's going to end up costing about $3,000-$4,000 to fix all this stuff. And my parents didn't come up to me with the bill and ask me to chip in. So I guess I've been wondering about money.

This post has been a bit random. I guess I'm just trying to see things from another point of view, perhaps from a parent's pov. If any of you guys want to chime in about anything I said or didn't say (or want to insult me with spoiled jokes), that's what the comment box is for. And by the way, I'm not "next".