I just got off the phone with my brother and we had a pretty meaningful conversation. And those conversations are always hard to have and find. I was encouraged to blog about everything on my mind. I do keep a private journal but I only write in it maybe a few times a year, usually when I'm about to start a new part in my life or go on vacation somewhere. It's actually really cool to look back at past entries and see how things have changed, especially your feelings and relationships with people. The good thing about this blog is that I've used it more as a journal where I can just express everything on my mind. I know one of the major drawbacks that people have about starting their own web journal is that they're afraid to open up. I actually think opening up and being honest is probably the best thing I can do when I feel as crappy as I do now, because I hate pretending like everything is ok and having a plastic smile on my face. I think it's better when people do know what's on your mind so instead of thinking like the world is perfect and that Allan is always spending his free time stopping to smell the roses, you should know I'm getting stung by bees in the process.

I took my Econ midterm today. I thought I was ready for it. I read the book over and over, went to office hours, did the practice problems. And of course, when it came time to take the test, I choked, or as Samantha would say, I got "raped", big time, by a bunch of burly dudes in a dark alley. I literally didn't even know how to go about the test. And I just got that feeling of doom I always get when taking tests at this miserable school, that everyone around me is doing fine while I'm trying to figure out what the hell I'm suppose to do. The only hope I have right now is that I can get enough points and there's a super curve so that I end up with a C-. It's basically come to that point where I just want to pass, get into the Economics major, and then somehow graduate. Without getting into the major, my options are very limited (i.e., not graduate). Everyone seems to have confidence in me that I'll find a way to get things done and get through this semester because I've always found a way in the past when I was faced with situations similar to this. I've lost all confidence in myself and totally just feel like I don't even belong in this school. I have guys around me telling me how they were waitlisted for Princeton, applying to USC, planning to go to graduate school. I'm just trying to stay afloat. And I guess my goals in life aren't the same as theirs, so I don't have anything to be ashamed about. At this point in my life, I have no desire to go to graduate school, nor do I plan to get waitlisted for Princeton, mainly because my application wouldn't even be looked at. But I am slowly figuring out what I would like in the future, and that's been a good thing.

I guess I always feel like my grades have defined me, and I've always done pretty well in school (excluding 4 years at Lowell). And now that I'm just trying to pass classes in Berkeley, it makes me feel like less of a person. When you see the guy next to you during lecture just trying to sober up and he's getting higher scores than you, it's disheartening.

I will admit I don't have a backup plan if things don't work out in the next year like I planned them. And in a way, it would seem like a disaster because my parents would kill me. And yes, I would feel like it was a disaster too because I wouldn't be living up to my potential in a sense and following the path that seemed laid out for me. But I don't think it would be the worse thing that could happen to me. Maybe it would just lead me to another path. Don't get me wrong, two years from now I might have my Econ degree and you can disregard every word I'm writing right now. But if I had to choose another path and spend a few more years trying to figure things out, I know I would face a lot of grief from my family and friends who would just view me as a failure and look down on me, but so what? What if I do want to become a gym teacher (reference to Jeff's Bible Study message a while back). I'll just avoid family functions where people ask me what school I go to and what I plan to major in. Or I'll just lie. I know some people don't plan on chasing the standard dream of job, marriage, children, grandchildren, giving lay-see, watching Chinese New Year Parade on tv, finale. I actually don't think I would mind the standard dream, because there are aspects in that sequence I would love to have (not the lay-see part). But I'm slowly trying to piece that stuff together.

This semester has broken me down in so many ways. Any kind of swagger I had coming in from CCSF to Berkeley has vanished. The confidence I had as a student is slowly vanishing too. But there have been some good things, non academic however. For one, I am totally reliant on God now to listen to me whine because there's nobody else around to talk to. And I will admit, there are times, maybe even right now, where it feels like he's abondoning me and I'm being left out to dry. I started reading the book of Job because me and Job seem to have a lot in common (minus the part he gets all those diseases, although there's a lot of weird stuff going around right now). But I was reading the little notes in my study Bible and the underlying message was that God will only give you trials you can handle. And it sounds so cliche and I want to believe it. One benefit I got from going to this miserable school was that it's taken me away from home and I do appreciate my parents more. Plus now that my dad is retired, we talk a lot more and he gives me rides back and forth from school on the weekends. It's allowed us to grow closer and I think we're both learning about each other in the process. He knows I'm not doing so hot in school but he's been encouraging me. And I don't know if I've mentioned it at all yet, but it should be said: I'm basically trying to get this degree for him. I was walking with him the other day and he told me that I should consider myself fortunate, because as a student, his dream was to go to this school (if he only knew what I know now...). So in a way, I guess I am just trying to do this for him, because when you start doing things for yourself, it becomes pointless after awhile. And whether you decide to start doing things for your parents, or God, or for you husband or wife, or for the little kid in the crib in the other room who won't stop crying, all depends on your own unique situation. And you're probably saying to yourself, "Allan, you're an idiot for choosing a school and major and life that might not even make you as happy as you could've been if you just follow your dream of moving to Harlem and engaging in the exchange of illegal drugs." And yes, that's true, certain aspects of my life might not be exactly as I would've liked them to be. But if it makes certain people in your life happy in the process, why not sacrifice?

My dad has mentioned that he wants me to go to grad school after Berkeley. I counter by telling him I just want to graduate. But the truth is I don't want to go to grad school. I don't want to further my education. I would prefer my education regress as I get older. I don't think graduate school is for everyone. Plus I don't want to go to grad school just so I can make X amount of dollars more per year. I can understand his point of view though. His life growing up was totally different, because money was in issue for him. He had to work and go to school, and those sacrifices have led him to where we are today. And my brother and I are in a different situation, because those extra dollars in the paychecks mean a little less than it did to him. I know if sounds selfish, but I think there has to be a point where I choose a few steps in life that make me happy, even if it means not furthering my education. I'm trying to tell him that if I do go to grad school, it's because I want to go to school, not because I want to "stick it out" for a few years so I can make a whole bunch of money. I see a lot of people who graduate and go straight to work. Then they miss school and have this desire to go back to learn. That's what I want; to want to go to school. Right now, school is just becoming a chore, at least it feels that way. I guess he sacrificed so much for his family that I'll be a complete waste if I don't maximize my own potential. He wants me to make enough money so that I can support a family, and that's been his main argument for grad school. I have a better plan: I'm going to marry rich. I hate to break it to you ladies, but it goes both ways.

I'm taking this class right now and all we do is read Hans Christian Andersen stories. I never heard of the guy before but he's a Danish writer who wrote short stories, poems, and fairy tales. He's the guy who brought you The Little Mermaid featuring Max the dog and Ariel, the pubescent princess of the ocean. We read a story the other day titled The Pine Tree. I doubt anyone will actually read that thing because nobody in their right mind reads for pleasure, but if you ever have 10 minutes to spare, go for it. It's basically about a pine tree in the woods always waiting to grow up and go forward to the next step. It wants to grow up so it can hang with the older pine tree gang. Once it got there, it wanted to become a Christmas tree like the other pines, but once it was finally chosen to become a Christmas tree, it was so nervous in trying to become a great Christmas tree that it never enjoyed the experience. By the time Christmas was over, it was locked up in the attic and felt like he could then finally enjoy things. But it had nothing to do but sit around and felt useless, to the point where it tells itself that as soon as it gets out of the attic, it'll start enjoying life. And someone does come to take the tree out, but only to throw it away. It ends up being burned, and everytime the tree decided that it couldn't wait to get to the next level, something came up so that it couldn't enjoy everything that was happening.

I think I really liked this story because I felt like this pine tree all my life. I've been looking forward to getting to the next step, only to get there and realize I wasn't living at all. And I keep telling myself the next step will make me happier, but I never listen to myself. I figured I just had to "endure" CCSF for two years to get to Berkeley where I would finally be free and happy, but that isn't even the case. It's only made me realize how happy I was at CCSF. And it's been like that through all stages in my life. And right now, I tell myself once I graduate and get into the work force, then I'll start living it up. But how realistic is that? Not likely, unless I run my own 24 Hour Disco Studio. I know all you guys in the work force keep telling me to enjoy school. I tell myself that's a bunch of nonsense (because I've never really worked an 8 hour day in my life and my mindset is that 8 hours of work can't be as bad as 4 hours of class and then studying). But it's such a tragedy really, because I know they're right even though I can't fully understand their words of wisdom. And how do I know they're right? Because literally everyone in the work force has told me that same thing, so either everyone I know is telling the truth or there's some kind of elaborate scheme to trick me into trying to enjoy school. How the hell do you enjoy the moment, which you know will be something more than it is right now down the line, when it currently feels like crap?

I'm sure I'll figure things out as I go along. I hope so at least. But I do hope that these trials are ones I can handle and I don't keep wavering in faith. My outlook on life has always been a pessimistic one, which in a way is horrible because I always see the glass as half empty. Someone better come along and give me a refill.