Midterm season has started for me. I had to take my Econ midterm today. It actually wasn't too hard, which is the problem, because I screwed up on some of the questions. I bet the entire class of 300 people will all get 100s, and I'll be the sole guy who got less than 100. This was my first test of the semester, so I haven't felt this crappy since my finals last semester. Sometimes I wonder why I even go to school. School is basically a way for me to lower my self esteem. My parents are paying $6000 a semester for me to feel like crap. I believe I can get the same results for free. In the words of the ESPN football gang, I just got JACKED UP! Once again, I will have to rely on God to get me through another semester of not killing myself.

I mentioned in my Bible Study message that I wanted to write a book. I'm sure it sounded like a silly goal, but I'm actually serious about it. And it's not that I'm some great writer or that people need to hear what I have to say. But I need things in my life to keep me busy and that actually means something to me in the end. And I think this is something I would really seriously pursue. I was thinking about maybe doing a children's book, but it's hard, because a lot of the plots are the same. Plus all the animals have been used, and basic morals have been established by all the greats in history. So what do I have to offer to the world of children's books? Probably not much. I'm sure there are current even topics I could tackle, but will parents really buy my children's books about obesity or war on terrorism? Probably not.

Then there's always fiction. I tried to write fiction before, but my imagination doesn't run as wild as it should. I have a hard time developing characters. Plus characters need to be developed, and you've only got a few hundred pages to do that, which is tough. Unless I write a trilogy. Maybe I'll write The Adventures of Scary Potter.

While I was sitting in my Asian Americans class, I started thinking about maybe writing a book about Asian Americans. I've had to read all sorts of these books by Asians talking about their lives, and how hard it was to come here and trying to find themselves. I guess my life isn't that interesting, but I could write something while I traveled abroad to other countries. I guess it could be more of a diary than an actual book.

But what I really had in mind was to write a book about my family. And to actually ask my parents about their lives, and my grandma's life, and to write about my roots, which I know nothing about. And a part of me is reluctant to do that because I'm sure my mom would kill me if everybody knew about her past. But this doesn't even have to be a book I look to publish. This could just be something I write for myself, or for my (imaginary) children, or more likely for my nephews or nieces to read. My dad wants me to go with him to Hong Kong in the near future, and what better time than to write and take pictures. Sometimes when I'm walking around campus, I get this what-the-hell-am-i-doing feeling. Each generation works their ass off to give the next generation a better life, and the cycle just keeps continuing. Sooner or later, you get to a point when nobody thinks about the earlier generations and you end up with kids who think they know everything about the world, which amazingly gives them the right to forget everyone who came before them. Maybe that generation is me. When my grandma passed away in Canada, my dad and his siblings literally just sat around for hours talking about their past and what they went through. I just sat there listening. They were talking about splitting up their family, not seeing each other, relocating their family; all sorts of stuff that would break your heart. What am I going to say that has close to any importance? "Oh yea, I totally know how you guys feel. I once got a C+ on my Statistics test and I felt hecka bad." Maybe if I don't write it down, it'll all be forgotten by the next generation of kids.

Sounds like Cal is considering missionary work in his blog. I think that's awesome, because you can't ever go wrong doing that. In fact, I think instead of our church supporting some dude in China, I think we should support our own people to do missionary work. Of course, not many would sign up for that and you need to have a certain background. But I think certain people have a calling to do that kind of work, and we could actually train them. I don't think I will ever get to that level, but I have no problem supporting those who will.

I guess this post has been a lot about "finding myself" and making my life mean something. Hell, if I have to bind my own books and draw my covers using Photoshop, then so be it.