I haven't done this in a while. Time for another Dear Allan, where I take Dear Abby letters, summarize her "advice", then give out my own advice. Here's our first letter:

"DEAR ABBY: How do you tell your relatives' children not to ride bikes or play in your yard? We have a beautiful yard, but are very concerned about lawsuits. -- IN A DELICATE POSITION, PENNSYLVANIA"

Abbby says: "DEAR DELICATE: If you are concerned that the children will destroy your yard, then tell the children -- and their parents -- exactly that. However, if you're worried about being sued if the children should hurt themselves on your property, then ask the parents to sign a release for your insurance agent to keep on file. I'm sure it will get their attention -- and it should."

Allan says: That's easy. Just place a bunch of infected needles and snakes on your yard, and nobody will want to play on it.

Time for letter number 2:

"DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to resolve something between me and my boyfriend. I bought him three yellow roses, and he was insulted! He says yellow roses mean only friendship. My grandmother says three roses mean love. I think ANY rose says I love you. Is red the only color rose that means I love you? -- HURT IN LOUISIANA"

Abby says: "DEAR HURT: Although traditionally red roses symbolize love and yellow roses symbolize friendship, my mother's favorite color of rose is yellow, and that is what she receives from my father on every special occasion. Your boyfriend's reaction was extremely ungracious. He should have thanked you for the roses in the spirit in which they were given. Please give him a message for me: When someone reacts that way to a gift, it reduces his chances of getting any more."

Allan says: Why are you giving your boyfriend flowers? What is he, a girl? How about a video game or some Giants tickets. Or better yet, why not give him the ultimate gift a girlfriend can give her boyfriend: cash.

That's all the time I have today. I'm glad I solved all those problems.